Showing posts with label Vampires. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Vampires. Show all posts

Sunday, October 16, 2016

DARK SHADOWS TITLE BUMPER CARD


Here is a title bumper card (I think that is what they are called) for Dark Shadows. This is obviously later in the run of the show (1970), because it features Roxanne Drew (Donna Wandrey), who was Barnabas Collins love interest at the time. Also, you'll notice Jonathan Frid's hair is not in those plastered bangs that he wore in the earlier episodes.

The title bumper card usually was seen when the network was having "technical difficulties."


Sunday, October 18, 2015

DESDINOVA'S HALLOWEEN PODCAST 3 (Pitney Bowes worst nightmare)

Another podcast and I still have more than enough music for another podcast before Halloween. This one such great Halloween jams as:
  • "Black Juju" - Alice Cooper
  • "She's My Witch" - Kip Tyler
  • "Vampire Rock" - Fabulous Poodles
  • "I'm In Love With Dracula's Daughter" - Screaming Lord Sutch
  • "Igor's Party" - Tony's Monstrosities
  • "Frankenstein" - New York Dolls
  • "Plan 9, Channel 7" - The Damned
Along with appearances from Torgo, the Monty Pythons, Criswell, Colin Clive, Bela Lugosi, and a hot babe that was married to Frankie Lane. Also I'll continue to make fun of that STL Cardinal fan, who chewed me out at work over a commercial that had a screaming woman in it. Oh yeah, Elmo & Patsy get theirs.

Friday, October 31, 2014

THE OTHERS - LESSER KNOWN HORROR FILM STARS

Let's face it there are iconic of horror film actors that people of any age can name and recognize. Karloff, Lugosi, Chaney, Price, Lorre, Christopher Lee, and Peter Cushing. You might even add Jack Nicholson into the mix.

And then there are some horror film actors, who were utility players or the farm team. They may not have worked for the big studios, may have labored in the shadow of the big stars, worked in other countries or their lives were tragically cut short, however, no self-respecting monster kid would say they don't know who they are. Even casual fans see them and go "Oh yeah, THAT GUY!" So, I decided to pay homage to those individual who were the stars of some lesser know films, but defiantly should be remembered.

LIONEL ATWILL

Lionel Atwill worked both in horror films for Warner Brother and Universal. Usually played a mad scientist.


LESLIE BANKS
Stared in CHAMBER OF HORRORS and THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME.

JOHN CARRADINE
I really don't have room to list every horror film John Carradine was in, but I also don't have room to list every Western John Carradine was in. Second to Christopher Lee for playing Dracula the most times.

TOD SLAUGHTER
I wrote about his turn as Sweeney Todd in another post. He also was in the overlooked werewolf film, THE FACE AT THE WINDOW, as well as HORROR MANIACS, THE MURDER IN THE RED BARN, and THE CRIMES AT THE DARK HOUSE.

J. CARROLL NASH
Among his horror credits include DRACULA VS FRANKENSTEIN, THE BEAST WITH FIVE FINGERS, THE MONSTER MAKER, HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, and DR. RENAULT'S SECRET.

GEORGE ZUCCO
Appeared in THE MUMMY'S HAND, THE MONSTER & THE GIRL,THE MAD MONSTER, DR. RENAULT'S SECRET, THE MUMMY'S TOMB, DEAD MEN WALK, THE MAD GHOUL, VOODOO MAN, FOG ISLAND, and RETURN OF THE APE MAN, and several others.

LARID CREGAR
Stared in the sound version of THE LODGER and HANGOVER SQUARE. Died from excessive weight loss on a crash diet.
ANTON DIFFRING
The perfect Aryan villain. Appeared in THE MAN WHO COULD CHEAT DEATH, CIRCUS OF HORRORS, FAHRENHEIT 451, THE BEAST MUST DIE, and played Dr. Frankenstein in a famous Hammer/Universal TV pilot, The Tales of Frankenstein.

MICHAEL GOUGH
Appeared in THE HORRORS OF THE BLACK MUSEUM, THE SKULL, KONGA, BLACK ZOO, DR. TERROR'S HOUSE OF HORRORS, CURSE OF THE CRIMSON ALTAR, and many others. Also played Alfred the Butler in the Batman movie series.

GERMAN ROBLES
Starred in THE VAMPIRE, THE VAMPIRE'S COFFIN, THE CURSE OF NOSTRADAMUS, THE CASTLE OF MONSTERS, THE BLOOD OF NOSTRADAMUS, NOSTRADAMUS AND THE DESTROYER OF MONSTER, and THE BRAINIAC. He also dubbed the Spanish voices of Dr. Tom Horton on Days of Our Lives, KITT on Knight Rider and both Col. Henry Blake & Col. Sherman Potter on M*A*S*H.
PAUL NASCHY
The King of Spanish horror films. Best known as the cursed werewolf, Waldermar Daninsky. Here is his IMDB listing.
ROBERT QUARY
He was Count Yorga. Nuff said.

DAVID HESS
Best known as Krug in THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, he also appeared in HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK, SWAMP THING, BODY COUNT, and ZOMBIE NATION. Also wrote the songs "Start Movin" for Sal Mineo, "I Got Stung" for Elvis and "Speedy Gonzales" for Pat Boone.

Friday, October 17, 2014

HORROR FILM DAMSELS WHO PROBABLY HAD "ACCIDENTS"



A memorable moment from Pieces

I realize this post might be considered a new low for me. Some will obviously feel it is juvenile, sick, disgusting, perverted and just plain, old poor taste. People looking for "family friendly" Halloween information or memories may want me burned at the stake after reading this post. I just wish Vincent David Jericho was still around. This might make him kick a waste basket across the room (as I've been told he would do sometimes after reading my old blog).

It is a medical and scientific fact, fear can cause both involuntary urination and involuntary defecation. It is rarely seen in horror films. There are a few notable exceptions such as Pieces (see photo above), Friday the 13th Part 2, Man Who Fell to Earth, Jeepers Creepers. The door for on-screen urination in horror films was opened with The Exorcist and Last House On the Left, both in 1974, but both were voluntary, so they don't count here.  One, was at requested by a knife wielding villain, and the other, to quote Flip Wilson "The Devil made her do it." Granted, it would be hard to show an involuntary bowel movement or a "butt pucker" in a movie.

This post is mainly about those "Golden Age" pre-70s horror film damsels and characters. Which ones were so scared they "had an accident?" My selections in this post are based on 1) intensity of the situation and 2) the performance of actress. Lets face it, there have been some actresses in horror films who never convince us that they are scared. There are also moments in horror films that which may give the characters (and us audience members) a fright, but nothing traumatic. A good example was the bad habit Universal got into in the 50s of having the male hero tap on the female heroines shoulder, causing her to jump and scream. He then smirks, chuckles and says "Did I scare you?" In the scenes I mention here, the damsel or heroine is in one terrifying and hopeless situation after another. As a matter of fact, the actresses in the Universal films do not seem to be very scared. Also, later films and those made by independent film companies seemed to put women in more danger.




Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) in ALIEN (1979):  Let's start off with the inspiration for this post. When I was living on the second floor of Hammons Hall during my freshman year at Southwest Missouri State University, several of us on the second floor gathered in a room to watch Alien on TV (ABC, I believe, showed it. Maybe it was on VHS). Near the end of the movie, Ripley disrobes down to her underwear (see photos above). My roommate, Cedric Boyd, jumps up and shouts "AH COME ON! HER PANTIES WOULD NOT BE THAT CLEAN AFTER ALL OF THAT!" Cedric was right! Of course, the same could be said for many of the horror film heroines and damsels that preceded her.


Jenny (Una O'Conner) in THE INVISIBLE MAN (1933):  Some of this should be obvious as to my choice here. First off, Jenny is an older woman, who probably has an incontinence problem anyway. Second, she has these screaming fits every time the Invisible Man gets mad at her. Third, there is a scene where the cops are meeting in the pub to decide how they plan to capture the Invisible Man. They are unaware that he is in the room. He soon begins attacking everyone in the room, including killing a cop. Jenny goes into a screaming tizzy, while standing on a table, stamping her feet and holding her skirt (above). If this were made today, there would probably be a puddle on the table under Jenny. Since this was pre-code and a James Whale film, I surprised we didn't see a puddle under Jenny. Maybe the holding of the skirt was Whale subtle way of letting us know she wet her bloomers.


Nadine (Beverly Garland) in NOT OF THIS EARTH (1957):  Being caught and subsequently chased by an alien is bad enough, but being chased by an alien in a Cadillac, when you are on foot would just naturally cause a person to leave a trail of urine. The sunglasses-wearing Mr. Johnson (Paul Birch) tries to hit the phone booth Nadine is standing in with the car! Unfortunately, I couldn't find photos of Nadine in the phone booth and the pursuit. She does escape from the noise-sensitive Mr. Johnson by screaming (bottom photo).



 Woman with her dress caught in the car door (unknown actress) in EARTH VS THE SPIDER (1958):  This character has no name, nor is there a record of the name of actress is in this scene (photo above). I'm convinced she ruined her underwear. It seemed to be a cliche in the "giant creature" sci-fi films of the 50s. When everyone is fleeing for their lives, there is always one unfortunate individual who can't get away. This poor lady has her dress caught in her car door as a giant spider comes stomping down the street, which means the people left on the street probably got a good view of the damage she did to her underwear.
    

Mrs. Farley (Helen Jay) in DEADLY MANTIS (1957):  First off, I've never seen the 16 mm home movie version of this film, but if it started with this scene, the film would be bearable because this film has some much padding and stock footage in the first 30 minutes that you begin to wonder if there is even going to be a monster in the film. It seems to be leftover footage from an Air Force recruiting film mixed with a silent movie about Eskimos. The movie actually get good here as the giant preying mantis flies from the North Pole to New York to wreck havoc on a foggy night. Mrs. Farley gets off of the bus after a long trip and probably has to use the bathroom really bad. She has to try to walk home in heavy fog. That is when the mantis decides to wreck the bus she just disembarked. Mrs. Farley (above) gives one one of more hilarious screams of terror in film history. It would later go on to be fodder for Cheech & Chong in IT CAME FROM HOLLYWOOD and Mike & the Bots on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Shortly after this scene, one of the characters says something about the mantis causing two accidents. Actually, three if you count the one Mrs. Farley had.



Laura (Anitra Ford) in MESSIAH OF EVIL (1972):  Loyal readers to this blog know that I have crowned MESSIAH OF EVIL the best overlooked horror film of the 70s. This scene is one of it's greatest scary moments. Younger people would love this because it features the current hot pop culture monster: cannibalistic zombies. However, what makes this scene so effective will be lost on younger folks because both are no longer apart of the supermarket experience: cheesy instrumental "supermarket" music and the rubber mat that opened the automatic doors. Laura is in what seems like a nearly abandoned Ralph's Supermarket. She feels she is being followed by a man. She turns a corner and discovers a group of people eating raw meet from the freezer in the meet department. They see her looking at them, so they decide to go after her. Laura runs for the door, but no matter how hard she stomps on the rubber mat, the doors won't open. She tries pushing it open but that doesn't work (bottom photo). I'm guessing she left a huge puddle on that rubber mat as she tried to open the door. To make things worse, she tries to allude the zombies by running back through the store, but they surround her in an isle, so she can't escape. She dies screaming, while the light sounds of Muzak play overhead. "Clean up in Isle 5."


Barbara (Judith O' Dea) in NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968): Talking about kicking a horror film off in full gear! No sooner has smarmy brother Johnny taunted his skittish and nervous sister with the immortal line, "They're coming to get you, Barbara," than a ghoul walks up to him in the cemetery and smashes his head into a headstone. Barbara takes shelter in the car but doesn't have the keys ("Johnny has the keys!" she screams during a meltdown later in the film), so she lets the car roll down the hill into a trees. She runs to an old farm house where she finds some mangled, scarfed bodies and meets Ben, played by Duane Jones. For the rest of the film she sits on the couch, presumably in her wet and messy panties, with a look on her face that says, "My brother is dead, I wrecked the car and I'm no longer wearing clean underwear."



Lila (Vera Miles) in PSYCHO (1960): It is hard to believe but some people have still not seen this movie! Instead of spoiling this for those folks, let me try to say this without spoilers. At the climax of the film, Lila is sneaking around the Bates house trying to find evidence that Norman killed her sister. Norman almost catchers her, so she hides in the basement, where she finds Norman's mother. At this point, Lila lets out a horrific scream (Hitchcock used it in the trailer), at which point Norman burst in and to kill her.  The expression on her face at the end of this scene (bottom photo) is one of a woman who just soiled herself. I think this is a testament to Vera Miles acting skill.




Teresa the gymnast (Dawn Richard) in I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF (1957): This scene has to be the most erotic and sexually suggestive scene in a 50s horror film, next to Julie Adams swimming around in her white bathing suit in CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON. Since this was a movie about high school, I think they should have been a scene where this character was called "Teresa the Tease," because that is what she does here. Her practice for the gymnastics competition leads us to believe one of the judges is Hugh Hefner (Dawn Richard was named Playboy Playmate of the Year after this movie came out). Tony Rivers (Michael Landon) is so horny watching her spread her legs and dangle her breast in front of him, that he doesn't notice that he is standing beside the school bell. It rings and sends him into one of his werewolf spells. Teresa is hanging upside-down and spread eagle on the parallel bars, when she sees the werewolf coming after her. She manages to get off the bars and runs to the gym door, only to find it locked. She runs to another door and it is also locked. Having filled her leotard and tights, she tries running away again as Tony the werewolf falls into a stack of metal folding chairs (probably slipped in her pee puddle), but he catches her and slaughters her. Dawn Richard's was also used in the poster art and promotional material, so when you see the photos of her screaming her head off, remember that I think she had a major accident thanks to a very hairy Little Joe.


Carol Butler (Coleen Gray) in THE VAMPIRE (1957):  This is one of a handful of attempts to bring old fashion supernatural monsters into the modern, atomic age of the 50s by giving them a scientific explanation. John Beal plays a small town doctor, who makes a house call to a man, who does experiments on animals for a local university. This guy gives the doctor a bottle of pills containing an experimental drug made from vampire bats. His daughter (Lydia Reed - Hassie from The Real McCoys) mistakes it for his migraine pills and gives him one. He starts turning into the goofiest looking vampire in movie history. Deciding that he has killed too many people, he decides to commit suicide. His pretty nurse, Carol, played by the lovely Coleen Gray, catches him in the act. She tries to stop him and he cold cocks her. As she starts to get up off the floor, he starts turning into the ugly vampire creature again. She probably wet herself before she could stand up. She manages to get up and run to another room, but he catches her. She forces her into a corner, where she screams, "Get away from me! Get away from me!," and, more than likely, loads her panties with poop.


The Shepherdess (Ann Darling) in THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935): I'm not sure if it had something to do with the Hayes Code or studio policy, but women in the Universal Gothic horror films of the 30s and 40s don't seem to be very scared. They give out a basic scream and faint. They also do not seem to be in real danger. The only woman in those films who I felt could have been in a situation where they lost control of their bodily functions (other than Una O'Conner in THE INVISIBLE MAN) was the shepherdess (above) that is attacked by the Frankenstein monster in THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN. She screams bloody murder as he holds her down for a few seconds. Add to the fact that for lunch she probably had sauerkraut and brats with a big glass of beer, she probably had an accident in her bloomers and dirndlgewand.



Louise Currie as Billie Mason in APE MAN (1943): This still publicity photo doesn't do the climax of the film justice. As a matter of fact, in this photo, Louise Currie doesn't look very frightened, and the gorilla and Lugosi look silly here. Currie plays Billie Mason, a newspaper photographer, who is kidnapped and held hostage by an ape-like mad scientist, played by Bela Lugosi. He has a pet gorilla, that gets loose and kills him. It then chases Billie up a big staircase. The door at the top of the staircase is locked. I'm sure incontinence ensues as she screams her head-off.


Lorna Thayer as Carol Kelly in THE BEAST WITH A MILLION EYES (1955): This is a case were you hope the character had an "accident," because she is hateful and obnoxious. She winds up in two "accident" inducing situations and neither are caused by a monster directly. Carol Kelly could be a poster child for PMS. First off, she treats her teenage daughter like dirt, even though it is her birthday. She banishes a mentally-disabled, porn-loving mute, known only as "Him" (Leonard Tarver) from her home (not to give out a spoiler, but when you find out the truth about "Him", you'll hate her even more). She also treats her daughter's German Shepherd bad, which she comes to regret. The dog becomes possessed by an alien power and chases her out of the house. She runs to get help (top photo) from "Him," who at first ignores her (she did kick him out of the house). The German Shepherd corners her in the woodshed, but "Him" comes to the rescue with an AXE (!!!). She tells her husband (played by Paul Birch of NOT OF THIS EARTH) that she just got "a little bruise on my face." Yeah right, lady! A German Shepherd tries to eat you alive before your mentally-challenged neighbor hacks him into little doggie pieces just a few inches from you, and you just got a "little bruise." Admit it, Carol, you wet and filled your granny panties to the maximum capacity.

The next day, she is, at least, nicer to her teenage daughter. This time, the neighbor's bull gets possessed by the alien and charges her. She falls (bottom photo), but her husband shoots the bull with a rifle before it can stomp her into the ground. Her husband and daughter run to see if she is okay, but she lays there crying with her face against the ground, probably thinking "That's two times this week I was so scared I had an accident." Lorna Thayer's other big movie role was as the crabby, battle-axe waitress in FIVE EASY PIECES, that Jack Nicholson told to "Hold the toast between your knees."

Finally, the two characters who obviously would have had an "accident" due to the nature of the events that take place in the film.


Sally Hardesty (Marilyn Burns) in TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974): It would take me a while for me to list everything that happens to this poor girl in the last half of this film. All you need to know is she is chased repeatedly by a maniac with a chainsaw, who is wearing a mask made from human skin. She survives at the end, but I'm sure she was never able to get those white pants clean enough to wear again.


Ann Darrow (Faye Wray) in KING KONG (1933): Faye Wray has been called "the Original Scream Queen" because she was in five influential horror films in a span of two years. She also had a very distinctive scream. She put everything she had into her screaming. Her most famous role is Ann Darrow in KING KONG. As with TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, it is obvious to anyone that a person would lose control of their bodily functions, if they were to become the plaything of a giant gorilla. The producers probably realized this. In this scene, on Skull Island, Kong holds Ann in his hand while undressing her. He smells of the torn part of her dress and his hand. He probably thinks, "This smells like pee-pee and potty."



This post was done for entertainment. It is just to be silly and funny. Please don't report me to the authorities, local congressmen or start a crusade on Facebook to have me banned from the Internet. It would just show your stupidity and make you look like an overly sensitive twit. Besides, if you are going to blame someone for this post, blame Cedric.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

IS RETURN OF THE VAMPIRE A SEQUEL TO DRACULA?

I intended to write a review of Return of the Vampire like I do other horror films, but instead I want to weigh in on a my thoughts on why this was made. The story goes that Columbia Pictures wanted this was to be a sequel to the 1931 Universal Dracula film, but Universal threatened to take them to court. Columbia changed the the name of Bela Lugosi's character from Count Dracula to Armand Tesla.

Having watched the movie many times, I fell that it is not sequel, but a very good knockoff of the Universal horror films.

The story involves Armand Tesla (Bela Lugosi), a vampire who is brought back to life after the Luftwaffe bombs the cemetery where he was buried. Tesla had taken the life of many people in London at the turn of the century. He had a spike driven into his heart by Professor Walter Sanders and his female assistant, Lady Jane Ainsley. The professor's small daughter, Nicky, had been attacked by Tesla. When the doctor destroys Tesla, it also removes a spell that he put on a man named Andreas Orby, that turned him into Tesla's werewolf slave.

Volunteers cleaning up the cemetery after the Blitz remove the spike from Tesla's body, thinking it is debris. Tesla takes control of Andreas, who now works for Lady Jane, and turns him back into werewolf. Lady Jane ask Andreas to meet Dr. Hugo Bruckner, a scientist that has escaped a concentration camp and will be working for her. Tesla and Andreas kill Bruckner and Tesla assumes his identity. Dr. Bruckner is invited to an engagement party for Lady Jane's son John and Nicky. Tesla goes after Nicky again. 

I will stop her because Return of the Vampire has a twist ending. In fact, an episode of Sanford & Son worked that into an episode. Fred and Grady start to watch the film and Grady tells Fred how the movie ends before it starts. Fred, in retaliation, dumps a bowl of potato chips on Grady's head.

Photos of Lugosi as Tesla have appeared in books and been misidentified as being Dracula. The werewolf makeup was reused by Columbia for the 1956 horror film called The Werewolf. This is also the first film to feature both a vampire and werewolf. You could probably say that this isn't the sequel to Dracula, but a forerunner to Twilight and Underworld. On second thought, let's not say that.

The reason I don't think it is a sequel is that it doesn't follow a storyline that is even close to the original story. Too many elements in the story (Werewolf, Tesla's book) seemed to suggest that this was not an attempt to make an original vampire movie and not a Dracula movie.

This film would be a great movie for kids (or anyone) to watch on Halloween. After all this has too monsters for the price of one.

   

Sunday, October 6, 2013

THE STORY BEHIND TERROR TALES AND THE OTHER EEIRE PUBLICATIONS

February 1973

As I mentioned in my last post, I only recently became aware of these wacky black and white horror comics magazines of the late 60s and 70s. Some of the artwork I was familiar with because it had been used on some DVDs and LP/CD covers. I recently purchased these at a comic book convention here in Springfield, Missouri.

Inside are black and white reprints of pre-code horror comics. The stories seem to date anywhere between the 30s to the 50s, with about one new story per magazine. Besides being in black and white, the publisher has had artist redraw some of the panels to add more blood or a touch of female nudity.

However, what makes these memorable are the unorthodox cover art. They are a monster kids wildest dreams mixed with absurdity and insanity. There seem to be a pattern to the covers. There are usually at least two monsters featured. They are usually fighting each other, with heads being lopped off, eyeballs gouged out and hearts staked. They all have fangs and pointed ears, even skeletons. In the middle of all of this mayhem is a buxom female victim in a torn dress. There is also an abundance of blood, drool, (possibly) vomit, and slime. I'm surprised they didn't have the female victim wetting or soiling her pants.

While the Warren horror comic magazines of the day featured well drawn covers, these have a cartoonish feel. The color is garish. Like those magazines, you will occasionally see a famous face in the covers. Herman Munster (He has fangs, pointed ears and robot parts falling out of his dismembered body), Barnabas Collins, Jack Palance, Max Shreck (from Nosferatu), Oddbod from Carry on Screaming and the Mad Scientist from Monsters Crash The Pajama Party all pop up on various covers. Also cover were sometimes reused for a magazine of another title.

These were created to cash in on the success of Warren's Creepy and Eerie magazines. The publishing company was even named Eerie Publications. The mad mind behind it was a comic book artist named Myron Fass, best known for the mid-60s Captain Marvel who would yell "Split!" and then break into pieces.

None of the titles seemed to be published on a regular basis. Besides Terror Tales, there was Horror Tales, Tales from The Tomb, Tales of Voodoo, Witch's Tales and Weird.

These have a growing cult following among collectors. I might consider buying a few at a reasonable price, although I would prefer to save my money for Creepy and Eerie.

Friday, October 4, 2013

TERROR TALES Vol 4 No. 5 August 1972

I recently discovered these black & white horror comics of the late 60s and early 70s. I will tell you more about them soon.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Sunday, October 21, 2012

TWILIGHT: OZARKS STYLE

The hottest phenomenon with teenagers in the past few years has been Twilight.  Most teenagers will tell you if they are Team Edward or Team Jacob.

Of course, if kids or teenagers like it, the Springfield News Leader and the Lebanon Daily Record will run several letters to the editor by magot-brained adults, who don't allow their kids to read, view or own anything Twilight because they feel it is "evil." Yes, these idiots are proud of being abusive parents, who tell their kids what they can or can't read or watch. Would Ozarkers be more receptive if you created a Twilight story that took place in the Ozarks?

Let change the main character to a male high school student, who moves from southern California to small Ozarks town called Spoons, Missouri. He falls in love with a girl named Velda. He is drawn to Velda even though he suffers from strange pains and feels disoriented while he is around her. It turns she is a witch.
He is told by another student, Wiley, that he can't be in love with Velda because she is dating Blaine Alucard, a rich spoiled vampire boy. His father is president of the bank and chairman of the local Republican party. When Blaine doesn't get his way, he tell everyone how much money his father makes. "The Alucards are a pioneer family. My daddy owns most of the builds in this community." He wears Izod sweaters and Dockers.
I should mention that Wiley is a werewolf or as he pronounces it "war-woof." He wears a straw cowboy hat, drives 4x4 pickup truck with a "Nobama-You can keep your change" bumper sticker and a confederate flag in the window, listens to Hank Williams Jr and Lynard Skynard, wears t-shirts that say "I'm a American (he pronounces it "Muricun") by birth, but a werewolf by the grace of God." If he gets into a fight, the first think he does is take off his shirt. He and his werewolf buddies drink Keystone Light and chew Red Man.
Velda had previously dated Tagg, a "patchwork" zombie, who plays football. If he gets hurt on the playing field, they just replace the injured part from another corpse.
This is just a rough idea, so far. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

MY 3rd GRADE REPORT ON DRACULA THAT NEVER HAPPENED

I was watching a documentary on the history of Dracula last night, when I remembered something from my horrific childhood in Lebanon, Missouri.

In the third grade, my teacher's name was Mrs. Torquemada (Okay, that wasn't her real name, but I changed so I don't get complaints from her family and friends). SHE HATED ME! She also told my mother that I was "worthless." Even the other children in class knew it, because one of them told my mom, "Mrs. Torquemada hates Desdinova."

It didn't help that I went to a really bad elementary school, then called Mark Twain Elementary School (now called Boswell Elementary). The only thing about Mark Twain that was even represented at the school was the fact that the principal and many of the teachers treated kids the way Aunt Polly treated Huck Finn. Principal Betty Moore threatened everyone with a spanking from a large board she kept in her office. It was kind of a Republican/Baptist gulag. Other schools the kids got to dress up on Halloween, but only kindergartners were allowed to dress up on Halloween at Mark Twain Elementary. This was because Halloween was a "man made holiday" and dressing up for Halloween was is "immature." I really wished I had grown up in a community with more respect for its children. One of those communities where every child is given an award just for participating and nobody gets spanked. Unfortunately, I had to grow up in this nightmarish Hell-world known as the Ozarks...but I am off the subject.

We were told we would have to pick out a person a historical figure to write a report about. I had read in an Electric Company magazine and seen on the TV show In Search Of that there really was a person named Count Dracula. I even knew what he looked like because there were pictures of him (Above) and what was left of his castle in Transylvania, which had only recently been discovered.

Unfortunately, one of the rules to this assignment (Mrs. Torquemada and Mark Twain Elementary were BIG on rules) was that you could only use the World Book Encyclopedias that were in the class room. If your subject wasn't in those World Books, you didn't get to write on the subject you wanted. Apparently, the jugheads at World Book Encyclopedia didn't think that Vlad Tepes Dracula, the 15th century Romanian prince, who impaled people and inspired a famous literary vampire, was worthy of inclusion in their precious little encyclopedia.

To make this situation even worse, old Mrs. Torquemada said I was making the whole thing up and that there wasn't a real person in history named Dracula. She said I couldn't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. I was forced to write a report on a "real" historical figure. I can't remember who I wrote that report on, probably someone boring and unimportant like George Washington or Thomas Jefferson.

Vlad Tepes Dracula III
These days you can find anything on the Internet and more than likely there would be information in the World Book (If they still have them) on Vlad Tepes Dracula. You might even find him mentioned in a section on "Cruel Heartless Dictators." Next to his name would be Mrs. Torquemada, my third grade teacher from Mark Twain Elementary.

Of course, Halloween post, like this one, is why I'm considered the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Jonathan Frid, who played Barnabas Collins in ’Dark Shadows’ show, dead at 87

Jonathan Frid, who played Barnabas Collins in ’Dark Shadows’ show, dead at 87

I was planning to create a post about Dark Shadows and Barnabas Collins, when I read of Jonathan Frid's passing.

My post was going to be called, "WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH BARNABAS COLLINS' HAIR?" It was a in-joke perpetrated by Dark Shadows creator and executive producer Dan Curtis on line producer Robert Costello. Originally, Barnabas was not a character on the show, he was added in 1967 when the show was on the verge of being cancelled. However, the famous painting of Barnabas was always in the foyer of Collinwood (That is it in the above photo behind Frid), there just wasn't any features on the face except for the distinctive hair style.

When the before the show went on the air, it was decided that portraits would be hanging around Collinwood of various Collins ancestors. Staff members posed for the portraits, but the faces were not filled in because they wouldn't be show up on camera.

Robert Costello posed for the foyer portrait of a man holding a fancy walking cane with a large onyx ring on his finger. Dan Curtis gave the artist painting the portrait extra money to paint the hair on the man to look like Robert Costello's bad toupee.

When the Barnabas character was to be introduced, it was decided that the portrait in the foyer was of him. They added Jonathan Frid's facial features, but unfortunately the Barnabas character would be stuck with having hair that looked like a bad toupee. Now, Johnny Depp will be sporting the hair that looks like Robert Costello's bad toupee.

       
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