CRAZY KNIGHTS: THREE OFF-KILTER MEDIEVAL MOVIES

You silly, English, bedwetting types.

There have been films about medieval times since the beginning of film. Knights have managed to stay popular into modern times. You will find more sets of toy knights in a toy store over the once popular toy cowboys. The films, usually, fall into the categories of Arthurian legend, Chaucer based, Sir Walter Scott based, and historically accurate (read: boring).

I've selected three films, two from the 70s and one from 2001 that uses rock songs from the 70s, that veer off from the typical medieval film into their own little kingdoms.

He told them about how he wanted to try a threesome.

1. TORTURE DUNGEON (1970):  All I need to say here is this is a knock-off of the Tower of London, directed by Andy Milligan. Of course, that wouldn't be much fun. Would it? This is the story of Norman, Duke of Norwich, a one-armed, tantrum-throwing, self-proclaimed "tri-sexual" (because he will "try anything"), who tries to take the throne of the kingdom of Terragon by killing everyone of the heirs to the throne ahead of him. Norman (Milligan regular Jeremy Brooks a.k.a Gerald Jacuzzo) looks like a cross between Freddie Mercury and Sonny Bono, while Terragon looks suspiciously like Staten Island.

(L to R) Peter the Ear, Peter the Eye & the nose of Peter the Nose

As with any Milligan film, the dialog is filled with snippy remarks and mentions of gang rape, incest, necrophilia, child abuse, and sadism of all sorts. Add to this a collection of characters such as the kingdom's council made up of Peter the Eye (Milligan regular Neil Flanagan), Peter the Ear and Peter the Nose. The last two characters are played by two uncredited brothers, wearing Beatle wigs, who would fit in more in an episode of The Sopranos than a Medieval drama. The most outrageous character is Magda the marriage councilor. She dresses like a butterfly and sings and dances, while trying to explain how to have sex to the young heroine (Susan Cassidy). The top portion of Cassidy's costume does come together, so her boobs tend to flop out during a chase scene.

She's giving advice on sex and she picked out that outfit.

TORTURE DUNGEON in many ways could be called Milligan's masterpiece, but I prefer to see it as Milligan's twisted fairy tale of Medieval England.

The late Heath Ledger

2. A KNIGHT'S TALE (2001): I realize some will say a movie from 2001 doesn't belong on a retro blog, but the director of this film felt that the 1370s were probably similar to the 1970s, so I think it can be reviewed here. Not only is this loosely based on Geoffrey Chaucer's A Knight's Tale, but Chaucer is a character (often buck naked) in this movie. This comedy-adventure not only spins a engaging yarn of a young man's quest to achieve his dream of becoming a knight, but satirizes the sports culture. The film is filled with turn of the Millennium pop culture references and a great soundtrack made up of 70s classic rock.

He looks like Carson and Letterman would throw him off

The film stars the late Heath Ledger as William, who has dreamed of being a knight since childhood. He comes of age as the squire for a knight. When the knight dies before a tournament, he takes his place using a phony birthright written by Geoffrey Chaucer. He not only befriends Chaucer (Paul Bettany), but Prince Edward and the feisty widow blacksmith, Kate, who makes him armor with a Nike swoosh on it. William falls in love with a noble woman, Jocelyn. He also makes an enemy of a arrogant knight named Count Adhemar, who is sort of a Medieval version of a 80s teen comedy preppy jock, but baring an uncanny resemblance to actor Oliver Reed.

One fun thing to watch for is a flashback, where an old man, who mocks young William's desire to be a knight. It is actor Berwick Kaler, who appeared in several of Andy Milligan's films (not TORTURE DUNGEON though) including, The Rats Are Coming, The Werewolves Are Here, The Body Beneath and as Tobias in The Bloodthirsty Butchers.

A KNIGHT'S TALE is fun and exciting, once you get past the fact that it doesn't take Medieval history very serious.

3. MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1974): Only the Monty Python guys could take King Arthur and stand it on it's head. To tell much about this movie would give away this best gags before some people would see it. Everyone should see this before they die. If you don't watch it or rewatch it, we will be forced to say "NEE" to you.        

THREE DEMON BARBERS WITH NO WAITING - SWEENEY TODD IN THE MOVIES

In the world of horror movies, popular characters show up in multiple films and remakes. I would not attempt to cover the numerous film versions of Frankenstein, Dracula or Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde, in one post. On the other hand, there are three film versions of the story of Sweeney Todd. That can be done.

The character first appeared as a villain in a penny dreadful entitled The String of Pearls in the 1847. He turned up in several stage plays, radio dramas, TV productions and the famous Stephen Sondheim musical from 1979. However, there have only been five movies. Two of them are from the silent era and not easy to come by. As for the sound era, there are three film versions that I intend to look at in this post: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street from 1936, Bloodthirsty Butchers from 1970, and Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street from 2007.

One thing became obvious watching these three films this weekend, the story contain some of the same elements and same names, but never quite present the story exactly alike. All three feature Sweeney Todd, Mrs. Lovett, as well as characters named Tobias and Johanna. However, each one has its own quirk or trademark to the story, including sailors fighting natives at the Cape of Good Hope, a public showdown with an Italian barber and an Irish, Shakespeare-quoting, cross dressing, clown named Corky.

I'm going to start off with the most recent and best version. Director Tim Burton's big screen version of the Stephen Sondheim musical stars Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter in the roles of Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett. The 70s stage version gave Sweeney Todd a back story that had not been present in other versions, which made him slightly sympathetic rather than a hard-core killer. Besides being motivated by revenge, Sweeney's first murder is of a former assistant, who has reinvented himself as an Italian barber and plans to blackmail him after he best him in a public shaving exhibition. In this version, Tobias is a young sailor, who saved Sweeney's life, and Johanna is Sweeney's long, lost daughter.

As with most of Tim Burton's films, Sweeney Todd inhabits a dark, gloomy, grim version of London brimming with little touches that make the film a blood-soaked nightmare. However, the one thing that I didn't care for was the Stephen Sondheim songs. To para-phrase Homer Simpson, "Why did they have to ruin a perfectly good demon barber story with all that fruity singing?"

Now, I should say here that I've owned two of these movies (Bloodthirsty Butchers and Demon Barber of Fleet Street) on DVD for sometime. I had watched them several times before this weekend. However, after watching Tim Burton's masterpiece, I chose to re-watch Andy Milligan's 1970 version entitled Bloodthirsty Butchers right after the 2007 version. WOW! Talk about a sharp contrast in production, dialogue and everything. This version has John Miranda and Jane Hilary as Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett. Annabelle Wood is Johanna, who is employed by Mrs. Lovett. Tobias is played by Milligan regular, Berwick Kaler. Tobias works for both Sweeney and Lovett. He is as cold blooded a killer as Sweeney.

An awkward moment between Sweeney (left), Anna and Corky (right)

This version also features Sweeney's alcoholic wife Becky (A woman in Victorian England named Becky?), Mrs. Lovett's invalid husband, Sweeney's mistress/musical hall performer Anna and her on-stage partner, Corky the Irish, Shakespeare-quoting, cross dressing clown (above). The extra characters are there to facilitate one of Andy Milligan's trademarks: boring, unnecessary dialogue and spiteful bickering. Sweeney even gives Johanna's fiancee a sexist rant that includes an illusion to PMS. Johanna is the only likeable female character in the movie.

While Burton takes you into a gloomy version of Victorian London, Milligan really doesn't even try to pass 1970 London off as Victorian London. Sweeney Todd's name is painted on the window of his modern barber shop in green paint. The barber shop has a black and white tile floor (another Milligan trademark). The women's costumes are cute and colorful 70s maxi-dresses, probably made by Andy Milligan himself. Speaking of Milligan's dressmaking career, his old, leftover, rubber mannequins make an appearance as the victims of Sweeney and Tobias. One of the highlights of this film is an outdoor scene that features Milligan barking like a dog while filming to add a bit of ambient noise. When you watch an Andy Milligan film by itself, you notice what is wrong with his films, but watching this film immediately following Tim Burton's version, it is obvious that Andy Milligan makes Ed Wood look like..., well, Tim Burton.

Finally, there is the 1936 George King version entitled The Demon Barber of Fleet Street staring Tod Slaughter as Sweeney and Stella Rho as Mrs. Lovett. In this version, Tobias is an orphan boy entrusted to Sweeney by Beadle (A character that appears in the Burton version) to work as his assistant. Johanna is the daughter of a wealthy business partner that Sweeney hopes to force into marriage. The film ends with Johanna disguised as a boy, as in the 2007 version.

This version is adapted from the original stage melodrama versions of the story in which Sweeney is a mean, greedy villain, who rubs his hands together and laughs maniacally. If Slaughter had a handlebar mustache, he would be twirling it (Actually he did in some of his films). Slaughter's Sweeney is at his menacing best when he says, "Come here, Tobias!" and "Now, I'll polish you off" as the opens the trap door beneath the barbers chair.

Slaughter and King were frequent collaborators, much like Burton and Depp. There films were part of the "quota-quickies" and later turned up on late-night television. They can now be found in Mill Creek box sets. King is not a spectacular or artistic director like Tim Burton, but his films look decent and work as a whole, unlike Milligan. King, on a tight budget, manages to include a small scale battle between a group of sailors (lead by Johanna's fiancee) and natives at the Cape of Good Hope. King does play with the story telling format by having a comical wrap-around sequence with a modern barber telling the story of Sweeney Todd to a customer.      

The subject of Sweeney Todd in the movies may not lend itself to a whole book, but for a blog post it works out well. You can also watch all three of these movies in one night, just like I did. Ironically, it left me with a craving for meat pie.      

MONSTER PHOTO FUN Part 6

TEN GOOD CREEPY, SCARY MOMENTS IN NOT-SO-GREAT MOVIES

Anyone who knows me or has read this blog and the old blog knows that I love horror films. I don't care whether they are great or bad, I enjoy them all. I really enjoy when horror films try so hard to be good and winds up laughable. Mainly because I know if I tried to make a horror film, it would end up being as bad or worse. However, there are moments in many of the most famous bad or campy horror films that makes us step back and say "Wow! That was creepy!" or "YIPE! That was scary!" Never mind the ridiculous concept, incoherent storyline, bad acting, bad special effects, for one brief moment in these films something worked. Sadly, these are the things that are rarely mentioned or get posted on You Tube. People focus on Bunny Brekenridge reading from his script, Linda Day George screaming "Bastard!" over and over, Hal Sherwood as the pedophile/incestuous priest, dogs with large plastic fangs and that nerdy guy screaming "OOOOOHHHHHH MMMYYYYY GGGAAAAAAWWWDDDDD!!!" Let's focus on things that the directors and producers got right. 

1. Liz's decapitated head in the roaster pot in The Ghastly Ones. Steven King once said that The Ghastly Ones was the work of morons with cameras. Actually, it was just one person: Andy Milligan. After seeing rubber mannequin arms, hard boiled eggs as eyes, a green-skinned lawyer with long grey nose hair and a priest, that is a dead ringer for Andy Dick's character in Old School, wearing curtains, we are not expecting such frightening image. Milligan used the "head-on-the-plate" gag in other films, but this one works because of the expression on actress Carol Vogel's face and angle her head is lying in the pot. The "head" actors in the other films looked bored and their heads are straight up, so you can tell they merely had their head stuck through a whole in the table. Vogel looks like she might have been the victim of a violent attack. What also makes this disturbing is Milligan using chocolate syrup for blood. Chocolate syrup was used in black and white films for blood. However, in color it looks like something else. It gives you the impression that either Liz or her killer suffered from explosive diarrhea. 

2. The floating old lady from The House on Haunted Hill. William Castle was known for bringing the audience into the film. The House on Haunted Hill was made to incorporate special tricks in the movie theater, such as skeletons dangling over the audience. That is why parts of this movie do not work to today. Except for the old lady above that comes screaming out of nowhere like a bat out of Hell. Of course, it turns out it was a dummy on roller skates that Vincent Price was using to scare people. It is one of the few of his scare tactics in the film that still works on the home video audience, without the benefit of a skeleton on a pulley. 

3. Corpse-puzzle-woman falls out of a hidden compartment behind a bookcase in Pieces. This 80s slasher film starts off in the 1940's with a little boy being punished by his hysterical mother for putting together an obviously 1970s puzzle of a naked woman. She overreacts and tells him to get a trash bag, so she can burn everything he owns. The boy overreacts and brings an axe to put in his mothers head. Years later, detectives Christopher George and Linda Day-George (real life man and wife) are investigating the dismemberment of college co-eds by someone with a chainsaw. One girl's head is lopped off in broad daylight, one is killed on an elevator (the killer hid his chainsaw under his coat), one is killed the waterbed in the girl's exercise room (???) and a girl wets her pants in the ladies room before being sliced in half. We find out not only who the killer is, but that he is also the little boy all grown up. Before it can get any more Scooby Doo-ish, a detective accidental opens a hidden compartment in the wall and out fall a "puzzle" made from the missing "pieces" of the dead girls. Now, there is one more good scare at the end of the film, but why spoil for everyone. I'll just say guys hate the end of this film.  

4. Tor Johnson rises from the grave in Plan 9 From Outer Space. Lets face it, the many problems with Plan 9 are well known by the world today. However, the scene where Tor Johnson rises from his grave is one of the great creepy moments on film. The spooky lighting, fog and the way Johnson rises up worked.

5. Zombie pops up outside the open window in The Mad Doctor of Blood Island. Filipino director Eddie Romero made several half Filipino, half American horror films in the mid 60s to early 80s. Most are filled with gore, bad acting and bad dubbing. The Mad Doctor of Blood Island features a boring villain, a convoluted plot and an annoying camera zooming effect when a zombie is about to attack. The one scene that gives the viewer a legitimate shock is when Angelique Pettyjohn is awaken by what sounds like an injured person outside her window. She walks over and opens the window. A zombie (above) jumps up out of the bushes. This scene works because there is a quiet build up. Just the soft whimpering and rustle of bushes. 

6. The Killer Shrews chew through the wall. Yes, the giant shrews are dogs and sometimes puppets. They may be puppets here but this scene is effective. Many people who saw this on late night TV as a kid say that the shrews chewing through the wall caused them to have nightmares.

7. The Beast From the Haunted Cave sucks the life out of a victim. Many low budget horror films start off as one thing and end up as horror films. This film started off as a gold heist/crime movie and had the horror aspect added later. The monster looks like a cross between pillow stuffing and silly string. However, when you see the beast suck the life from Natalie leaving her darkened eyes, wide open, and staring at the audience, you'll be sleeping with the light on for the next week.  

8. The mutant escapes from the closet in The Brain That Wouldn't Die. From an illogical premise to a skirt chasing, sleaze factor, accompanied by the sleaziest sounding jazz instrumental ever recorded, this movie was a classic even before MST3K got a hold of it. All through the movie, we are told that there is an "experiment gone wrong" in the closet. Near the end, Jan (Virginia Leith) begins communicating with the "thing" with telepathy. She has it attack the lab assistant and rip his arm off. At the end, Jan commands the monster to break down the door and give her former boyfriend and his creator (Jason Evers) his comeuppance. The monster is both goofy and scary at the same time but his emergence is a shock.

9. The second head appears in The Manster. A cocky American reporter begins splitting into two people while in Japan fooling with geisha girls. First, he gets a hairy hand (You figure it out) and then grows an eye on his shoulder. He starts committing murders. A policeman follows him to his hotel and sees him sprout a head in the dark.

10. Joshua's backseat nightmare from Troll 2. Vegetarian goblins turn people into green plants and eat them. Joshua and his family encounter them on vacation. In one scene, Joshua has a nightmare while riding in the backseat of the car. He dreams his family is under the control of the goblins and are turning him into a plant. Probably, the most effective scene in this whole movie.

There is an old song we sang in church about "looking for the silver lining in the clouds." Some films are so bad that they don't have one. I found one in each of these turkeys, there may be more out there.

THE RATS ARE COMING, THE WEREWOLVES ARE HERE - A MOVIE REVIEW

"Hello, I'm Monica, the middle sister. The BITCH! The one they always talk about behind her back!" 
Monica Mooney (Hope Stansbury) The Rats Are Coming, The Werewolves Are Here

Imagine taking an episode of Dark Shadows and replacing the sound track with an episode of Jerry Springer Show. That is what this movie is like. The title alone of this movie 1972 horror film screams bad. It is also a case of a movie being made and then altered at the last minute, in this case to cash in on the popularity of the films, Willard and Ben.

This is one the horror films of 60s and 70s filmmaker Andy Milligan. The films of Milligan are clumsy, blurry, illogical (green vampires chloroform victims), filled with oversights (medieval castles have lights switches) and bad gore effects. They also feature outrageous costumes (Milligan was a dress maker before taking up film), disturbing subtext and snippy, hateful dialog.

The story takes place in 19th century England. It revolves around Diana Mooney (Jackie Skarvellis - who has a nice tan for 19th century England), who returns to her family mansion with her new husband, who she met at medical school. Her father, Pa Mooney (Douglas Phair), disapproves of her marriage, because he feels she is the only hope in curing the family's lycanthropy. The family includes two sons, the Tony Randall-ish Mortimer and Malcome, a mentally deficient feral individual that the family keeps locked up with chickens (I'm not kidding). Diana's two sisters are the overprotective "daddy's girl" (In more ways than one) Phoebe and (my personal favorite) Monica, a deranged, sadistic proto-Goth chick, who acts and talks like a bratty little girl.

Monica Mooney played by Hope Stansbury

Monica is played by the very beautiful Hope Stansbury. Her performance is both over-the-top and yet, she is one of the best actors in the film. She steals the show and every scene she is in. Monica Mooney is also one of the great unhinged women of 70s film, along with Sissy Spacek as Carrie and Jessica Harper as Evelyn in Play Misty For Me. She is the kind of woman Helen Reddy sang about in the 70s. I'm sort of in love with Monica or maybe Hope Stansbury.

The producers, The Mishkins, decided to add another dimension to Monica's creepy persona: Monica had pet rats. She buys rats from a creepy looking, disfigured alcoholic storekeeper named Mr. Mcawber (Chris Shore), who claims his face partially eaten by the rats. When she kisses a rat and it bites her, she throws it to the ground. She goes back to the store and demands her money back. When Mr. Mcawber tells her he "drank it up," she sets him and his store on fire.

Monica also jumps out of a closet and tries to stab Diana's husband. Later, she chops the hand off of a retarded neighbor girl, so she can get her hands on the girl's pet snake. She whips and pours hot candle wax on her feral brother Malcome. When Monica is not killing people, she drives nails into her pet rats. In a recent interview, Hope Stansbury makes it clear that she was not the person killing the rats. She says she was so afraid of the rats that Milligan put a pane of glass between her and the rodents for the scene in the above photo (There is a visible glare during that scene too). Also, the rat she kisses is rubber. Matter of fact in the rat torture scenes, you will notice that Monica suddenly has "man hands."

The original film, made in England, was to be called Curse of the Full Moon, but the Mishkins had Milligan add the rat element later to cash in on the two recent rat horror films. Monica even names two of the rats Willard and Ben. Those portions were filmed in New York with Stansbury, Shore and the rats.

Once we finally see the family change in to werewolves, the make-up isn't that great. However, The Rats Are Coming, The Werewolves Are Here is a great place to start if you want to experience an Andy Milligan horror film. It has all the elements: the bland opening credits, the same Valentino Music used in all of his movies, people being set on fire, bickering, insults, slapping, abusive clergy, whips, torture, hands chopped off, mentally challenged people, incest, bad color, bad sound and (what looks like) the camera being dropped. If you like your horror films bad, you need to try this gem on for size.
Here is the trailer for the film.

HOW I WOULD MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT THE SPRINGLAWN/ ALBINO FARM (Andy Milligan Style)

For those who have been longing for the good old days of my more vitriolic rants, you are in luck-to some degree. As you read in my last post, I feel that legend of Springlawn Farm and the Albino hatchet-man should be exploited in some way. It think it would be fun to have some spooky legend to drawn visitors to the Ozarks.

Sadly, in my research about the film and the variations on the legend, I found that there was a self-righteous attitude toward people who were interested in the Springlawn Farm-Albino Hatchet Man legend. Many of the writers have the same attitude as Sarah Overstreet. People should be ashamed of spreading the legend of Springlawn Farm because the families that owned the Springlawn Farm “were hard working people.” Ozarkers feel it would be okay to tell this horrific story about people who are unemployed. Ozarkers have a sick and twisted fetish about people with money, work and owning property. The more money and land you own, the better
you are than everyone else. Nobody should be allowed to say that there is something wrong with you family (even if you do have an axe-murdered on the payroll). I think this is what is refereed to in the Bible as covetousness. Of course, the same people that feel we shouldn’t spread the Springlawn Farm are the same people who call greedy, dishonest business people “job creators.” I suspect that the family that owned Springlawn Farm must have been Republican if the Ozarkers
feel we shouldn’t make fun of them.

The other one I came across in many of the anti-Springlawn/Albino Farm information is “This was urban legend was started by teenagers at Parkview High School.” Ozarkers always return to their hatred of young people over and over. How dare “teenagers” make fun of “hard working people!” If it is part of the youth culture, Ozarkers always brand it as “evil” and try to have a lawmaker pass a law against it. I’m surprised Billy Long hasn’t made some big speech “aginst that thar Albino Farm legend.”

I watched the movie Albino Farm, which was filmed  in this area and brought this idiotic
controversy to the forefront. It is actually a very good, well-made horror film, however, it is not the version of the Springlawn legend that I prefer. The version I like is the one in Joan Gilbert’s Missouri Ghost books. It is a more Gothic story that involves a suicide by hanging, spinster sisters and, of course, the hatchet-wielding Albino caretaker.

I would make this film a homage to legendary bad horror film director/writer/costume designer Andy Milligan. The Springlawn Farm legend sounds like the plot of Milligan’s The GhastlyOnes. Also, there is always a hunchback or mentally challenged caretaker/henchman in an Andy Milligan film. The Albino head-chopping caretaker is a perfect character to pay homage to Milligan’s proto-slasher films since Milligan’s costumer/dress making alter-ego, Raffinine, dressed many actor’s in bleached blonde wigs and chalky white make-up, as you can see in the
photos above (Andy Milligan made dresses, while Ed Wood wore dresses). Hal Borske (top picture) would be perfect for the role of the Albino caretaker.  

First off, it needs to be filmed with a 16 mm camera and enlarged for theaters or filmed on an Ipod or cell phone. That way it is grainy with bad sound like Milligan’s films. It should focus on two spinster sisters, who want to pass on the Springlawn Farm to their young cousins with the help of the crooked family lawyer, even though they believe the house is haunted by the ghost of their brother, who hung himself. They have hired a mute Albino caretaker with violent tendencies. The sisters take turns tying him up and beating him when he gets out of control, even
though they say it “turns him on” (Milligan’s movies usually mention bondage and whipping since he was into S&M).

The young cousins show up for a weekend stay. They include three sisters, their effeminate husbands and a brother/priest, who brags about taking nude photos of alter boys. We also find out he has been having affairs with each of his sister’s husbands.

At one point the youngest and brattiest sister, throws a fit exclaiming that she should be the one who gets Springlawn Farm. “Springlawn should be mine! Mine! Mine! I was daddy’s little princess, so I should be the queen of Springlawn!” The brother/priest, who wears a red and gold satin robe and velvet covered wastebasket on his head (Kind of like Guru the Mad Monk in the bottom photo), tells his sister “You may get to be the queen of Springlawn, but remember, I’M THE BIGGEST QUEEN IN THIS FAMILY.”

The husbands and sisters are murdered and everyone blames it on the Albino caretaker. Hands are cut off, eyes are poked out with knitting needles, stabbed with a pitch fork and decapitated in a very cheap and unconvincing style. You’ll get to see rubber hands bouncing, hard boiled eyes with large dots drawn on them to represent gouged out eyeballs and people sticking their heads through holes in tables I should note here that The Ghastly Ones has the most realistic looking decapitated head in any Andy Milligan film. The other decapitation victims in his movies tend to wiggle and have a bored look on their face like they are about echo the animal appliances from the Flintstones and say "It's a living."

It is just how I believe this should be done. Of course, opinions and ideas like this are why I’m considered the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!