DRACULA VS. FRANKENSTEIN (1971) Trailer

PEANUTS GREAT PUMPKIN CAROLS

My sister, Villanova, gave me this when I was in Kindergarten. I loved the It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown TV special when I was small. I thought this card was wonderful. I'm sure there will be some nitwit here in Springfield and the Ozarks that will be offended by this because this is a take-off on Christmas carols, but I don't care.I prefer Halloween to Christmas.

WHY YOU NEED TO SEE SPIDER BABY AT LEAST ONCE

I have been planning to write a review of the 1964/68 cult film Spider Baby for quite some time. What better time to do it than Halloween.

My first exposure to this film was in some clips that were incorporated into a Goodtimes home video compilation Horrible Horror, hosted by Zacherley. Those scenes are taken out of context make this film look like a bad proto-slasher film with goofy characters. The complete film is an underrated classic, which has only become popular in the last few years thanks to cable TV and home video.

It is interesting that this film was made in 1964, when the three most popular TV sitcoms featured Halloweenish subject manner. Spider Baby was sort of a darker and more warped cousin of Bewitched, The Addams Family and The Munsters. One of the few comedy horror films that isn't a parody or send up of other horror films.

Unfortunately, it was not released to theaters until 1968, due to the distributor filing for bankruptcy. It changed hands (and titles a few times). Originally it was called The Maddest Story Ever Told, as a parody of The Greatest Story Ever Told. At one point the film also went by Cannibal Orgy and The Liver Eaters.

The film is built around the concept of a fictional condition called Merrye Syndrome, which inflected the Merrye family. The Merrye family was rich and powerful at one point but liked to inbreed. The condition caused the members of the family to regress into childlike behavior before reverting into violent inhuman cannibals.

The last surviving members of the Merrye family are contacted by the Howes, two long lost cousins and their sleazy lawyer, Mr. Schlocker (Karl Schanzer). The cousins include Peter (Quinn Redeker), who acts like he might also by the long lost cousin of Dick Van Dyke, and Emily (Carol Ohmart), a greedy, blonde bitch. Peter also provides an introduction to the film.

The Merryes are three young adults that behave like small children. Elizabeth (Beverly Washburn) is a bratty older sister who wears a party dress, Virginia (Jill Banner) pretends she is a spider and Ralph (Sid Haig) is a large, bald toddler. They are all cared for by a soft-hearted caretaker Bruno, played by Lon Chaney Junior.

The family learns of the impending visit by Emily and Peter, after Virginia kills a messenger, played by African-American comedian Mantan Moreland, while pretending to be a spider. Emily and the lawyer insist on staying the night, even though Bruno tries to persuade them to go to the inn at the nearby village. Peter, not rally wanting to be involved with Emily's effort to commit the "children" and take control of the Merrye fortune, says he will stay in town with the lawyer's attractive young secretary (Mary Mitchell).

The lawyer insist on Bruno serving dinner for Emily, Peter, the secretary and himself. Virginia gathers mushrooms and greens for a salad and Ralph kills a cat, which is roasted and served (although Bruno never tells the guest what it is).

The "children" overhear Emily and Schlocker plotting to institutionalize them and get her hands on the Merrye family fortune. Elizabeth talks Virginia into getting back at the "bad people" with a little help from the some of the other remaining Merrye relatives, who live in a boarded up room in the basement.

Spider Baby was directed and written by Jack Hill, who later directed Switchblade Sisters, Coffy and Foxy Brown. It was filmed in seven days at a mansion once owned by a former judge who wrote occult books. Whoever is responsible for the lighting, should get some recognition (I couldn't find it on IMDB). The dark and light contrast add to the atmosphere of the film. This film features a great cast. This would have to be the last great role Lon Chaney Jr. had. He appeared in other films but was not very good, due to his poor health. As Bruno, he plays a kindhearted father figure, trying to instill in the children morals and protect them from the people on the outside who would harm them.

Washburn, Banner and Haig are great as the three children. I have come to see Haig's role as Ralph in a different light recently, after watching my eighteen month old great-nephew. Haig has the mannerisms of a toddler down and incorporates them into the role. Beverly Washburn gives us this great switch toward the end of the film. She goes from being the pretty, tattletale bratty to raving psycho. I love when she screams "KILL HIM!" at the sight of the weaselly lawyer Schlocker.

Jill Banner, as Virginia, pretty much steals the show from the moment she hacks off Mantan Moreland's ear with a butcher knife. She gives Virginia both childlike and erotic qualities. She and Washburn are great in the scene where they overhear Emily's and Schlocker's plans. The way Banner answers Washburn with the phrase "I know" is creepy and humorous.

This is a movie that you have to see at least once. It is a fun experience. Some people would hate this movie, but remember what Bruno says "Children, we shouldn't hate."

Spider Baby Trailer

MONSTERS: BEFORE THEY BECAME FAMOUS

Do you recognize the monster in this 1969 Munchos Potato Chip ad before he became a star?

Der Wienerschnitzel commercial with Dracula

I'm not sure the exact year on this ad, but it is probably from around the same time Der Wienerschitzel had locations here in Springfield, Mo (Early 70s?). Notice the picture of Der Wienerschitzel's building shown at the end of the commercial. When Der Wienerschitzel closed, those buildings became cashew chicken restaurants.

I wish some someone would find a good copy of that commercial. They always look fuzzy.

HOW I WOULD MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT THE SPRINGLAWN/ ALBINO FARM (Andy Milligan Style)

For those who have been longing for the good old days of my more vitriolic rants, you are in luck-to some degree. As you read in my last post, I feel that legend of Springlawn Farm and the Albino hatchet-man should be exploited in some way. It think it would be fun to have some spooky legend to drawn visitors to the Ozarks.

Sadly, in my research about the film and the variations on the legend, I found that there was a self-righteous attitude toward people who were interested in the Springlawn Farm-Albino Hatchet Man legend. Many of the writers have the same attitude as Sarah Overstreet. People should be ashamed of spreading the legend of Springlawn Farm because the families that owned the Springlawn Farm “were hard working people.” Ozarkers feel it would be okay to tell this horrific story about people who are unemployed. Ozarkers have a sick and twisted fetish about people with money, work and owning property. The more money and land you own, the better
you are than everyone else. Nobody should be allowed to say that there is something wrong with you family (even if you do have an axe-murdered on the payroll). I think this is what is refereed to in the Bible as covetousness. Of course, the same people that feel we shouldn’t spread the Springlawn Farm are the same people who call greedy, dishonest business people “job creators.” I suspect that the family that owned Springlawn Farm must have been Republican if the Ozarkers
feel we shouldn’t make fun of them.

The other one I came across in many of the anti-Springlawn/Albino Farm information is “This was urban legend was started by teenagers at Parkview High School.” Ozarkers always return to their hatred of young people over and over. How dare “teenagers” make fun of “hard working people!” If it is part of the youth culture, Ozarkers always brand it as “evil” and try to have a lawmaker pass a law against it. I’m surprised Billy Long hasn’t made some big speech “aginst that thar Albino Farm legend.”

I watched the movie Albino Farm, which was filmed  in this area and brought this idiotic
controversy to the forefront. It is actually a very good, well-made horror film, however, it is not the version of the Springlawn legend that I prefer. The version I like is the one in Joan Gilbert’s Missouri Ghost books. It is a more Gothic story that involves a suicide by hanging, spinster sisters and, of course, the hatchet-wielding Albino caretaker.

I would make this film a homage to legendary bad horror film director/writer/costume designer Andy Milligan. The Springlawn Farm legend sounds like the plot of Milligan’s The GhastlyOnes. Also, there is always a hunchback or mentally challenged caretaker/henchman in an Andy Milligan film. The Albino head-chopping caretaker is a perfect character to pay homage to Milligan’s proto-slasher films since Milligan’s costumer/dress making alter-ego, Raffinine, dressed many actor’s in bleached blonde wigs and chalky white make-up, as you can see in the
photos above (Andy Milligan made dresses, while Ed Wood wore dresses). Hal Borske (top picture) would be perfect for the role of the Albino caretaker.  

First off, it needs to be filmed with a 16 mm camera and enlarged for theaters or filmed on an Ipod or cell phone. That way it is grainy with bad sound like Milligan’s films. It should focus on two spinster sisters, who want to pass on the Springlawn Farm to their young cousins with the help of the crooked family lawyer, even though they believe the house is haunted by the ghost of their brother, who hung himself. They have hired a mute Albino caretaker with violent tendencies. The sisters take turns tying him up and beating him when he gets out of control, even
though they say it “turns him on” (Milligan’s movies usually mention bondage and whipping since he was into S&M).

The young cousins show up for a weekend stay. They include three sisters, their effeminate husbands and a brother/priest, who brags about taking nude photos of alter boys. We also find out he has been having affairs with each of his sister’s husbands.

At one point the youngest and brattiest sister, throws a fit exclaiming that she should be the one who gets Springlawn Farm. “Springlawn should be mine! Mine! Mine! I was daddy’s little princess, so I should be the queen of Springlawn!” The brother/priest, who wears a red and gold satin robe and velvet covered wastebasket on his head (Kind of like Guru the Mad Monk in the bottom photo), tells his sister “You may get to be the queen of Springlawn, but remember, I’M THE BIGGEST QUEEN IN THIS FAMILY.”

The husbands and sisters are murdered and everyone blames it on the Albino caretaker. Hands are cut off, eyes are poked out with knitting needles, stabbed with a pitch fork and decapitated in a very cheap and unconvincing style. You’ll get to see rubber hands bouncing, hard boiled eyes with large dots drawn on them to represent gouged out eyeballs and people sticking their heads through holes in tables I should note here that The Ghastly Ones has the most realistic looking decapitated head in any Andy Milligan film. The other decapitation victims in his movies tend to wiggle and have a bored look on their face like they are about echo the animal appliances from the Flintstones and say "It's a living."

It is just how I believe this should be done. Of course, opinions and ideas like this are why I’m considered the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!