Sunday, November 15, 2015


My idea of what my glam country singer will look like.

It seems like every five to ten years, you hear people complain that "Country music jest ain't what it usedta be." Since I hate most country music, it all country music sounds the same to me. The big complaint always comes from the hardcore country music traditionalist is that it is "soundin too much like dat thar ole rock & roll crap."  Supposedly, there are people from Hollywood, who are manufacturing hits with autotune and rapping by people, who never lived on a farm or drove a pickup or rode a horse. Like that is a bad thing.

Must of this hatred seems to be directed at a country music act called Florida Georgia Line. I checked out some of their music on YouTube. I don't see what the controversy is. It sounded like country music to me, although I might say better than most country music acts.

I've noticed that these country music fans, many of whom I went to school with, hated the music I liked. I've been thinking about possibly creating the next big trend in country music that will hack them off.

Many of my classmates, who liked country music, hated that I liked the music of the British Invasion. Creating a country music British Invasion wouldn't be the same. There is a big country following in Great Britain. I've seen some of these British country singers on RFD-TV. The problem is they are all older men, who play extremely, traditional, country music and frankly not that good. They place a heavy emphasis on yodeling. The young girls won't get hysterical about dorky, white men in their 50s & 60s yodeling.

These country music loving classmates of mine didn't like the fact that I liked psychedelic rock either. Now there is some debate as to whether there isn't already psychedelic country. Some might bring up music by The Flying Burrito Brothers, early Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, the Sweetheart of the Rodeo era The Byrds, The Band, a handful of Grateful Dead songs and most everything by Creedence Clearwater Revival. You could also argue Jim Stafford's "Wildwood Weed" and the Cross Canadian Ragweed song about "those boys from Oklahoma" (not sure what the name of that annoying song is). However, it is rare that country music ever tried to copy the sound of psychedelia, with about two exceptions: Buck Owens hit "Who is Gonna Mow Your Grass" features a fuzztone guitar and a harpsichord in the background, and then there is Porter Wagoner's "Rubber Room." I could also add the Dylan-esque "Fare Thee Well, Miss Carousel" by Townes Van Zandt.

I thought about punk country, but a radio consulting company already thought of it, as part of a satirical audio play. Here is a NSFW portion of it.

Then, it hit me what would hack these people off: a country version of glam rock. I think country music needs its own versions of David Bowie, Elton John, T. Rex and Mott the Hoople. I want to be the creator and driving force behind this trend; a cross between Tony DeFries and Chinn & Chapman.

First, I would need to find the perfect person to be the first star of the glam country movement, although I think it should have a hipper name like "bro-country." Maybe I'll call it "Brokeback Mountain Country."

First, I need to find the right person willing to try anything, as the classified ad, that gave rise to one of America's top glam acts, said. I could probably find someone on CMT's Next Superstar, Nashville Star, The Voice, America's Got Talent, or American Idol. If this does work out, I'll put an ad saying "Do You Want to Be the Next Big Country Star?" on Gay Farmer Central or Gay-Cowboy-dot-com. At the end of the ad, I'll put, "Transgender applicants strongly encouraged."

Once I find this guy, I will give him a makeover and dye his hair a garish orange or red. This guy will need more makeup than a teenage girl in the 80s. He should put as much of an Estee Lauder makeup gift set on their face as they can.

I stole Daisy Duke's legs for this pic.

One of the complaints about bro-country is the videos seem to focus on girls in Daisy Duke cut off shorts and cowboy boots. My idea is to have this guy not only wear Daisy Duke shorts, but pantyhose under them like Daisy Duke did on The Dukes of Hazard. He will wear cowboy boots, but as a tribute to the great glam rockers of the 70s, they will have seven inch platform heels.

The big complaint with bro-country is the songs all sound the same. They are all about how fun it is to be young in a small town in the South or Midwest. It is a kind of rural sitcom milieu. After the Friday Night Lights football game, we will party with the girls from Petticoat Junction, who will be wearing Daisy Dukes shorts, but we can't get too loud or Andy and Barney will show up and bust up our party. Of course, one could point out that outlaw country songs all seem to be about being, to paraphrase President Obama, an angry white man in a Red State afraid of change, living a life that sounds like the plot line of a Daniel Woodrell novel. There is whiskey, guns, fights, whiskey, pickup trucks, whiskey, divorce, whiskey, and (as bro-country star Luke Bryan said) waking up in the gutter.

Glam country will have some recurring themes that were recurring themes in glam rock, but some that will place them in opposition to both the bro-country and outlaw country crowd. Since rural rednecks don't like science fiction (probably they are not intelligent enough to understand it), my glam country artist will have sing about feeling out of place in a small town and wanting to live on another planet. He should sing about wanting to be an alien from Mars. As a matter of fact, I believe his backing band should be called The Red Dirt Cowboys from Mars. The video for this song should be shot in black & white, then solarised with a video synthesizer. The glam country singer will be dressed as a clown about to be run over by a giant steam roller, while drowning in quicksand.

One thing that is prevalent among the outlaw country crowd is a hatred for Hollywood. They believe they are trying to change country music. Anyone familiar with 70s glam rock will remember there were several songs about Hollywood icons of the past, such as Greta Garbo, Humphrey Bogart, Roy Rogers, Marilyn Monroe and even Dwight Frye. Since nobody has written a song about Rita Hayworth and bro-country sings about other alcoholic drinks, besides whiskey, I think that my singer will record a song called "Margaretta Hayworth." At some point in this song, the singer will stop and scream "Wham Bam thank you, mame!"

Also, there should be some songs celebrating 50s rock & roll. Maybe "I Want to Be The Sock Hop Queen." He should do a sexual song about cars like "Rub Yourself Against my Buick."

I also want the glam country singer to record a real pretty ballad that women will love. The kind off song a Russian dissident would dedicate to Bailey on WKRP. It should be called "Thing of Beauty." However, when anyone ask about the title, he should say, "Actually, 'Thing of Beauty' is my pet name for my cock."

This guy's interviews should be full of controversial statements like, "They said that as a country singer, I should try to look and dress like John Wayne, but I told them I'd rather look and dress like Jane Fonda in Klute. Hot pants, knee boots and a shag haircut" or "I don't chew tobacco. It is unhealthy, but I do spit rather than swallow."

Okay, I used Lita Ford's legs this time.

Since one of the complaints against bro-country is the use of audiotune, glam country will use it, but on backing vocals. They need to sound other worldly. Also, plenty of hard fuzztone guitar and synthasizers. If they use a violin, it should be a distorted electric violin. Also a grand piano must be used. There should be some songs with that Chinn- Chapman backbeat that was on Gary Glitter's hits that goes "Womp-a-chucka-womp-a-chucka-womp-a-chucka."

The album covers should be strange. I thought putting his head and torso on a cat's legs and tail to attract country kids to the furry fetish. Maybe call the album "Pussyboy." Maybe an Andy Warhol-ish black & white photo with color added, like the photo above.

He can do covers of both glam and country songs. First up, should be "Country Comfort" by Elton John. If he does country covers they should be female singer's hits. I'm thinking Dolly Parton's "Jolene," Bobbie Gentry/Reba's "Fancy" (my mama bought me a dancing dress) and Reba's "I Think His Name Was John."

He should do a Christmas song, although, sadly, he can't do a Christmas song with Bing Crosby.

Would anyone in Nashville go for this? I really doubt it, but it would be fun to try to irritate the country fans who hate bro-country's hip-hop traits and were all bent out of shape over Little Big Town's "Girl Crush."

Of course, an idea, like this one, is why I'm considered the Super Villain of the Ozarks!!! Mwu-HaHAHAHAHA!!

BTW: How many references to glam rock songs and artist did up pick up on.



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